PIERRE
French cat-burglar and point-human of Les Trois.Once Heir Apparent of the Paris Underworld, Pierre du Ponté’s origins have become tragically shrouded in stolen Birth Certificates, baby impostors, and kidnappings. Raised on the cruel streets of Versailles, he took an immediate liking to the art of covert subterfuge and fled to Sharkburg after a string of failed bank robberies. Unable to quench his desire to indiscriminately scale buildings and break into them, Pierre attempted to “break” into the interior design business. He was caught and hurled into the slammer, but the dastardly scientist Tiberious Throttlebark rescued him for a particularly gruesome job. Pierre quickly discovered his employer's true nature and resigned his post, resolving to use his abilities to fight crime instead of causing it. He immediately took up smoking long-format cigarettes and began a life of penitent good-deed-doing in an effort to absolve himself. Throttlebark has never forgiven him.
Greatest accomplishment: Mister Mustache, Aix-en-Provence 2001
Darkest secret: lost a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest in New York City, 1973
Favored leisure activity: roasting coffee beans
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LIPS
Token mutant and Windsinger
Hailing from the West Alacian Mountains, home of the famous Alack sky priests, “Lips” is notable as being one of four living humans fluent in the pidgin proto-Turkish dialect known in the common tongue as Swimming Lumber or One Hundred Prawns. His eponymous lips, knee-weakeningly luscious and red, catapulted him to fame in America, as did his short but successful career as guest vocalist for the Manhattan-based gloomcore supergroup, Doom Truck. (Their only record, “Turboprophet,” has gone triple platinum.) During a tragic misadventure, Lips was caught in a whirlwind of mutagenic microwaves and was forever transformed into a creature covered in green, papery skin. Only his eyes, shielded by sunglasses, and his precious lips, sealed beneath years of protective balm, remained unmutated.
Favorite pet: Alexandria, a kangaroo mouse
Favorite late-nineties music video: “Money on my Money” by Miami Slink (Featuring Rhinoctradamus)
Lower-lip insured for: $282,500,000 USD
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ROURKE
Veteran cigar-smoker and battle-fight master of Les Trois
A rogue product of Sharkburg's fiendish gene-soldering labs, Rourke boasts the musculature of a bear, the keen intellect of a PhD economist, and the vocal cords of an ox. His great strength and fearsome appearance belie his gentle personality and long-standing interest in orchid cultivation. Initially connected to Pierre in his early days as a freelance landscape architect, Rourke immediately switched careers to become the weapons master of Les Trois when he learned Pierre didn't know how to operate a gun and had been manually firing his bullets by hand.
Fondest wish: to collect all the ammunition in the known universe
Secret obsession: Russian ballet
Worst habit: eating cigars wrapped in raw bacon
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SPROCKET
Earnest but inept intern to Les Trois
Initially hired by Les Trois at the Sharkburg high-school job fair, Sprocket has diligently served the trio in many capacities (all of them involving fetching coffee and/or donuts) over the past several years. She remains hopeful that she will one day turn the trio into a quartet. Her employers aren't so sure.
Proudest moment: on TV for six seconds while passing behind reporter
Cleverest remark: "That is most definitely not a diaphragm."
Helicopters crashed: 1
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THE RECEPTIONIST
Stalwart guardian of the first-floor lobby
The nameless receptionist receives visitors at Throttlebark's Bastion and carries out rudimentary secretarial duties for the vice-mayor. She is grimly efficient and evidences no personality except when on lunch break -- which she takes on the third day of every month. Other employees in the building dread it.
Interests: spreadsheets, color-coding, sharpening pencils
Hidden talent: thumb-wrestling
Earliest memory: sitting down at her desk
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THROTTLEBARK
Semi-robotic vice-mayor of Sharkburg
About ten years ago, Tiberius Throttlebark rose from utter obscurity to become vice-mayor of Sharkburg by way of two very efficient business maneuvers: unilaterally declaring himself vice-mayor and destroying everyone who disagreed. Despite having murdered the city's true mayor during his first days of office, Throttlebark retains the vice-mayor title because he finds it to have a particularly intimidating ring. He has ruled the city with a semi-metallic fist for as long as anyone can remember.
Hobbies: restoring vintage locomotives, playing harpsichord, inventing abominable machines
Secret obsession: macrame
Favorite food: crude oil
